I think every pet owner’s wish for their sick furkid is that it has a quick, painless and peaceful death. Unfortunately, things don’t always go the way we want them to. Actually, I am rather thankful for the way Ah Mao went. It could have been worse.

The vet had warned us beforehand that the last moments of a beloved pet might be difficult to watch. Some animals pass on peacefully while others might suffer seizure and the situation could turn messy when they no longer have control over their bladder and bowels. That morning on her last visit to the vet, our doctor told us that she could pass on anytime but she also said that there were cases where some animals lasted another few weeks in this state; perhaps they were waiting to see their favourite person for the last time. Ah Mao was so weak that she was unable to blink let alone eat. I couldn’t imagine her suffering another few weeks in this condition. Our vet was very kind to explain the options available. By that, I meant euthanasia. From the start, I was adamant against euthanasia regardless of whatever situation we were faced with. I have always believed that every living thing has its own destiny, a time to be born, a time to be gone. If a life should be taken away, it should be in the hands of God, not my decision to make. But at that moment when I saw the extent of her suffering and thought of her going through another few weeks of hell, I wavered. I only wanted the best for her. If ending her suffering was the best way out for her, I was willing to go against my beliefs and give her a dignified death. Fortunately, I was spared from making that decision. She passed away that afternoon.

The doctor prescribed us with some morphine to administer to Ah Mao to ease her pain and help her relax; she had bloody ulcers on her gums and her breathing was laboured. A normal cat’s breathing when resting calmly or sleeping should be around 16 – 40 breaths per minute. The breaths should include small movements of the chest but Ah Mao’s sides were moving a large amount which indicated laboured breathing. At first I was still worried, wondering how I could get her to swallow the morphine. Fortunately, the morphine only needed to be applied onto her gums for it to work. The doctor also gave us a pill to be inserted into her anus if she were to have a seizure. It would help her muscles to relax so that the seizure would not cause too much pain. Although armed with the necessary medicine, when things really happened I was at a loss of what to do.

A few hours after returning from the vet, Ah Mao started breathing more heavily. The intervals between each breath also got longer; a sign that her time was nearing. I was holding one of her hands when I felt her give me a tight squeeze. I shouted for my mum (her favourite human) to come be by her side. It was heartbreaking. My mum came and held on to her other hand. She started gasping for air soon after. Her last breath, she took a large gasp. I felt her grabbing on to my finger really tight and her legs went limp as her body started seizing (her entire body rocking). Her urine gushed out uncontrollably as she was having the seizure. Before I could even insert the muscle relaxant, the seizure stopped. Her eyes rolled back and she went limp. I thought I saw her take two more small breaths before she was no more. Just like that, all that was left from the past 15 years was just memories. I am grateful that all whom she loved were by her side at the end. I couldn’t ask for more. The whole ordeal though painful to watch, was considerably fast. The doctor did tell us that if she were to gasp for more than hour, then to bring her to the clinic so that they can give her oxygen if not she would be suffering too much. I am grateful that we didn’t have to go to that cause the oxygen would sustain her suffering for longer. Also, what if she died on the way to the clinic? I am sure she wanted to pass away at home.

So before you have a pet, do expect that coping with the pain of losing would be a part of parcel of owning one.

If your pet is on the last leg of its journey and you are faced with the same situation of not knowing what to do, perhaps, there is no need to think too much.. Just do the best that you can for it and when it is time for it to go, things will fall into place on its own.

That day when we sent her off, it was raining just like today. I blamed myself for not preparing well for this day, scrambling to find something to put her lifeless body in, searching high and low for the toys she love to accompany her on her last journey. In the end, all I could find was a box that thankfully was able to fit her snugly. I placed her on a soft pillow, gave her a dress of mine that she loved sleeping on and a dress my sister bought her many years back. She looked so pretty in that dress. I sobbed so hard as I watched the van she was on disappeared into the distance. The staff at the crematorium was so kind, he even put flowers around her before the cremation. This little gesture was so comforting to me even till now. It gave me a piece of mind. Anyway, as much as you don’t want to, do prepare the things for the final send-off so both of you can get the best closure.

Love,
TG